Decisions

I have to admit, I am excited to go home for several reasons. Let's check out the list I made weeks ago when I first started realizing I might have to go home. I entitled my list "Things to Look Forward to at Home":
My big bed
Family & friends
CBA
Cottage cheese
Sweet Tomatoes
Lindsey’s Wedding
Saving money
Carpet in house
Cheese fries
Beach
Homemade dips
Drier for clothes
Dad’s burgers
Don Juan’s
Pretzels

I realize now that most things are food...hmmm. I know I could add more to it now but honestly don't see the need... I'll be home soon enough. And a side note... I put in friends and family as an after thought because to me it was too obvious to put on a list, but then looking at the list without that, I felt wrong for not writing it. Ha.



Now for a more serious note...

I love Madrid and love living here. However, lately I have been feeling very.... I can't find the right word... but I am basically hanging out here/having an extended vacation that some of us have experienced before...called Unemployment. If it weren't for Angela coming next week (YAY!), I may have left earlier. But maybe then I would not have felt ready... like it was rushed or something. Either way, I have had a lot of free time and also a lot of time alone since most of my friends here actually WORK during the day! I keep wondering if coming to Madrid was the right choice for me.. and the answer that keeps coming to me is NO. This really upsets me because I put so much time and stress into my decision to come here that I feel like I let myself down. I had been spending a lot of time looking up other teaching or volunteering options but have basically given up that for now. (Although if anyone knows of a good opportunity for me... let me know?) People (my mom especially) tell me that I still had a great experience coming back here and sure, maybe I did, but right now it does not feel like that. I spent tons of money on a class to get certified... a certification that I have not and may never use. And now I'm just "hanging out" and I hate not having anything to do.. I feel that I am wasting time and basically just feel like a bum. I meet people here and when asked what I'm doing here, I say teaching English. But wait... I'm not. I follow a blog of someone who is in Costa Rica with the program I was going to do (if you're reading, sorry if it's weird to mention that, Kelsey! haha) and it makes me doubt my decision even more. Would I have been better off in Costa Rica, sticking with my original plan and decision? Coming home so soon, it seems strange to think that for WorldTeach/Costa Rica, I would still be gone for months. However, I would have accomplished exactly what I originally set out to do. I will never know, and that is really getting to me. I put a lot of research and planning into my move to Madrid and keep feeling like it was all for nothing. I am not looking for sympathy nor do I mean to complain about my situation. I am simply trying to explain what I have been feeling for the majority of the time that I have been done with class. I have met a few amazing people here who I am starting to consider good friends, and I really hope we will be able to stay in contact. However, beyond that, I am losing sight in other positive things that have come from my possibly very wrong decision. I guess that is life though. You can not always be right, you cannot always make the right decisions, but hopefully the "wrong" decisions can lead to something good... maybe mine will too. I just can't see it yet.